Have You Ever...?
GONE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN?
Only when I was very young. Now, I'd refuse to.

GONE FOR A WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS WITH NO TRAIL?
Nope.

GOTTEN REALLY REALLY DRUNK?
Nope. Drunk, yes.

BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT?
Nope.

FALLEN IN LOVE?
Yeah. I am right now.

WISHED ON AN EYELASH?
Nope.

DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN?
Haha yeah... Oh, the day I dressed up as a lawyer... It was pretty damn fun.

BEEN IN A FIGHT?
Only with my brother's. But even then, it wasn't exactly violent.

GONE SNOWBOARDING?
Nope. I wouldn't mind going skiing though. That'd be pretty cool.

TAKEN A BOOGIE BOARD DOWN A RIVER?
Nope.

HAD A JOB YOU LIKED?
I've never had a job... Yet.

BEEN FIRED FROM A JOB?
Look above.

TAKEN A SHOWER WITH SOMEONE?
Nope.

EXPIERIENCED A GHOST?
Nope.

BEEN TOTALLY AND UTTERLY HAPPY?
Yeah.

Do You...?
SHOWER EVERYDAY?
I don't shower... I bathe.

LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT?
Suppose so.

ENJOY SPENDING TIME ALONE?
Yeah. I forgot how much I missed it.

READ ROMANCE NOVELS?
Sometimes.

LIKE BEING OUTSIDE?
Sometimes.

HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS?
Nope. I wouldn't have it any other way.

SING OUT LOUD EVEN WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND?
Nope. I never sing.

LOVE SOMEONE?
I do.

HAVE A LOT OF STRESS?
Some days.

ENJOY SHOPPING ALONE?
I don't like any kind of shopping. Plus, I do any shopping online.

JUST STARE AT THE NIGHT SKY?
Yeah.

JUST STARE AT THE DAYTIME SKY?
Yeah.

WONDER ABOUT WHATS AFTER DEATH?
I have once or twice.

SLEEP GOOD?
Every now and then.

REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS?
Half the time, yeah.

GET YOUR CLOTHES READY FOR THE NEXT DAY?
Nope. These days, I'm wearing my jammies all day long.

HAVE TO GET UP AND WALK TO YOUR ALARM TO SHUT IT OFF?
No.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE?
Bits of it.

This Or That...
MUSIC OR MOVIES?
Oh god. Erm... I'm not too sure to be honest.

BOOKS OR MAGAZINES?
Books.

CATS OR DOGS?
Cats!! Definitely.

EARLY MORNING OR EARLY EVENING?
Early morning.

SKATEBOARD OR SNOWBOARD?
Either.

CARS OR TRUCKS?
Cars.

WHITE OR BLACK?
White.

FANTASY OR REALITY?
Reality.

TRAIN OR PLANE?
Neither. They both make me nervous.

BUNGEE JUMPING OR SKYDIVING?
Neither.

TATTOO'S OR PIERCING'S?
Both.

INSIDE OR OUTSIDE?
Inside.

MOUNTAINS OR CITY?
I'm not sure.

WHISKEY OR VODKA?
Vodka. I'm not a massive fan of whiskey, although I will drink it now and again.

Would You...?
WALK DOWN THE STREET ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Depends what street it is.

GO INTO SPACE?
No.

GO DOWN IN A SUBMARINE?
No.

WANT TO BE FAMOUS?
Nope.

LIKE TRAVELING FOR A LIVING?
Probably not.

GO CAMPING BY YOURSELF?
No.

Jesus, it has been a while.
I think it's because I mainly got stuck into writing in my OD journal instead of this one, and then I completely forgot about this little thing.
Not much has gone on.
Well, actually, a lot has gone on, but I can't be fucked to write about it all at the moment because it was all in the past and blah blah blah.
The only thing that I can be bothered to write about is it being mine and Steve's 6 month anniversary. We'd both agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we weren't going to "celebrate" any month anniversary's or anything like that. I hate that. I don't see the point unless you're married really.
But we did celebrate in a way. Hot sex. And lots of it haha. I'm so tired right now, which is good because I need to sleep well this morning as I'm staying over his tonight.
Okay, slowly falling asleep.
I'm gonna have to go and have a fag before it starts raining again.
Oh for fuck sake! It's already started. Oh well.
Fucking TV keeps cutting out because of the weather. Grr. Cunt.

Steve's still ill. Went and saw him today. It wasn't exactly the most enjoyable visits I've had with him over the past couple of days.
He was snappy. He was laying there watching Rambo and I was picking off little things that were stuck to his t-shirt. He snapped at me and told me to stop it. Not only did it upset me, it pissed me off.
I couldn't put my arm around him, I couldn't stoke his neck, I couldn't get close and I couldn't hug him. I was only round there for an hour at the most. I left and told him to just go to sleep. I'm not seeing him today so we'll see how it goes. I already miss him. I need to have a chat with him about some stuff anyway.

Ergh. I don't even want to update. Fucking joy.

Steve may have glandular fever. He'd been saying that he thought he had a virus for a couple of weeks. I think he looked up his symptoms online and most of the symptoms listed for glandular fever were what he was experiencing. This is the bit that's kind of pissed me off... He went to the doctor and he basically sent him away. All he said was that if it hasn't gotten any better by next week, or it's the same as it is now, he should go back and he'll be given something or I dunno. Why not give him something now?! Jesus christ. Doctor's piss me off. =[
He left earlier than usual last night because he'd started feeling worse than what he did during the day. He'd taken the day off of work yesterday and I spoke to him for a little bit. I wasn't pissed off, just I dunno. He said he probably wouldn't see me. That annoyed me. But then I realised how fucking ridiculous I was being... He's ill for fuck sake. I'm such a wanker.
I feel like I'm the one to blame for him having glandular fever, because I had all those white lumps and most of those symptoms, in December. And I just left it. I didn't bother going to the doctors. It's not that I didn't want to, but my mum and dad didn't seem to give a shit how ill I actually was and I'm too scared to book my own oppointments, so I just suffered. And when I was ill, I saw him. Although we never kissed until I was sure I was feeling better, I still feel like it's my fault because it can last from a few weeks to a couple of months. The only thing I don't get is that if I did have it, why has it taken so long for him to catch it? Well, it wasn't so long ago, but I thought something like that could be caught literally instantly. Ahh, who knows.

I can't be fucked to carry on updating. Going to check the papers for a job, see if there's actually anything suitable for myself as most of the time, there's adverts after adverts looking for teachers and older people blah blah.

Woke up this morning slightly dehydrated. I drank too much last night and I mixed my drinks... Big mistake? Nah. I had a bottle of rose before I left and then I had a few glasses of Baileys and half a bottle of Strongbow. The great thing is that I didn't puke!! I just had a pukey feeling when I got in.

So yeah, I've been meaning to finish off painting the kitchen ceiling for the past week or two and I started it this morning. I got pretty far considering I only had a small brush but I was knackered after a couple of hours. Callum asked me if I wanted to play a bit of golf... Which, y'know, it would mean that I'd get to have a break, so I did. We were using plastic balls so that just incase, we wouldn't cause any damage/break anything. I took my shot... Didn't get too far. Now, this is where the whole day completely fucked up!! I've never played golf before and neither do I have any common sense... Callum stood up to take his go, I stood to the side thinking I'd be safe, he brought up his club, hit the ball and smashed my head/cheek/mouth/nose with the golf club on the swing down... So I lost about half of one of my teeth, the ball to my lip ring, I have a huge lump on the side of my head, a nose bleed and around four cuts on the insides of my lips from where I bit it. Apparently blood was pouring from my mouth, but for some reason I didn't feel any pain at that moment. It got really hot but that was it. Got to quickly finish updating... My battery's low and I have no free plugs to plug in my charger.

So I now have half a tooth and it's really sharp. My mum said I'd have to go to the dentist to get it sorted out but she's said nothing more of my head or lips.

I've been left with my left cheek swollen badly, half of both of my lips are swollen, the lump's gone down a bit but it's still painful and has a big scab on it and when you softly press down on the lump you can feel the fluid, cuts on my lips which are making it painful to drink and eat and half a tooth... Yeah, a shit day!

Not feeling too good right now, but I can't sleep which absolutely sucks because I feel like I need it right now. Ergh.

I'll carry on updating tomorrow, although it all depends on how I'm feeling.


I FUCKING HATE SPORTS!!

Hide them... Steal them from whoever has them, hide them away in my photo album (of which no one has ever seen) and place the photo album back underneath the floorboards in my bedroom.

Digital ones are either saved onto my Mac and are then hidden or, if they're decent/unforgettable moments, they're printed off, and again, hidden in my photo album.

I ended up dropping out of school.
Well, technically, I'm still enrolled there. I need to get all of my subject teachers, head of 6th Form, deputy head of 6th Form, someone from the LRC, my mentor and someone else to sign this sheet of paper. And I also have to write down what I'm going to be doing once I've left school. I can't be bothered to go around to all my subject teachers. I know they're going to have a nice and long conversation with me and ask why I'm dropping out... Oh, the joy. Ah well. If I want to drop out, I've got to get it signed. And I am... Sadly enough. So I'm going in to school tomorrow to start getting it all done. The only good things that's coming out of this is that I can hand this sheet in whenever I want and I'd have finally (and officially) left school. Not that I well and truly want to leave, but it's the only option I have right now. I wouldn't have been able to catch up with all the work I had got behind on, so yeah. Plus, the amount of stress I was putting myself under wasn't helping either. God. It's weird not getting up everyday and going to school. I hate the fact that I'm now just sitting around the house and helping my mum out with cleaning and stuff like that. I don't mind the whole cleaning thing, it's just that I want to get back to having my education. Well, shit happens really, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'm kinda having a low day today. I think it's because I've not been taking notice of my emotions since I've been with Steve. Everytime I see him, I'm always all smiley faced. And yeah, when I do see him, I'm happy to see him. But there's still that little bit at the back of my mind which is telling me that I'm not as happy as what I think I am. Grrr. It annoys me, but oh well. I'm still taking those herbal "happy" pills... Still not working. I really don't know why I'm still taking them if they're having no effect on me. God... What am I doing to myself?!

Bleurgh.
I just don't really know what to do with myself. Grrr.
I need to have a serious chat with Steve sometime soon. I need to tell him my past and shit like that. Not exactly looking forward to it... And the worst thing is that I'm going to be doing it face to face. >.< I've only done that once with one person. I don't know if I can do it again.

I'm going in to school tomorrow.

Well... Bit of an update. There was a lot more but I've forgotten because I'm halfway through a conversation at the moment.

I went round Jodie's tonight. Well, actually, Steve and Rob came and called for me, then we met up with Jodie, Amy, Phil, Rachel, Bob and Kellie-Jo. We all ended up walking back to Jodie's because she needed to take a whizz. Steve and me stood outside Jodie's whilst everyone else took a pee. Emma bumped into us and we stood and spoke to her for a while. Then we all ended up inside Jodie's house and played a variation of Guitar Hero I, II and 80's. Everyone was pissed except Steve, Rob, Rachel and me. Oh, and Phil. God knows how long we were playing Guitar Hero for but we didn't leave until 12.20ish. Jodie had told me earlier on in the night that her and Rob had spoken to Steve about me and him, and that he should make it "official" that we were going out. We were walking home and Steve got onto that subject and I kinda clammed up and went all nervous... But we basically are going out. I mean, we hold hands, lean on each other, say that we love each other in our texts, and yeah... I just sent him a text saying that I would like to go out with him... Just to clear things up. I think I may have confused him more earlier when he was asking me about it all. Wow. I'm actually really excited. For the first time in god knows how bloody long, I've never been this happy!!!!

I haven't been to school for the past three days. Wednesday, I felt like crap so I didn't go in. Thursday, I had an Art trip to London, so I wasn't there for the whole day (obviously), and today I was exhausted from yesterday.
Oh my god. The Art trip yesterday was absolutely amazing. We went to London to go to The National Portrait Gallery and The Tate Modern. I loved every moment of it!! Except for all the walking/running, the underground (not the actual tube, just getting down to the tube), the train on the way there was canceled for some reason and we had to get off at some station, the train back - because we couldn't find a train that went exactly the Herne Bay, so we had to get a train that went to Margate/Ramsgate, then get off that, wait for the train that went to Herne Bay, and get on there. But other than all of that stuff, it was amazing trip. The only other thing I didn't like was feeling like a tourist whenever I got Tammy's camera out. (Oh yeah, another thing I didn't like was the fact that I'd forgotten my camera - we needed it most to take pictures of buildings and stuff for our next Art project) It was so bloody busy though!! I kept walking in to people by accident, and everytime I said sorry, they looked at me like I'd just smothered them in dog shit or something... I mean, christ!!! If someone bumped in to me, I'd say 'it's okay' in a nice polite manner. I wouldn't fucking stand there and give them bloody bitch eyes!! Wankers.
However, I did feel like I was going to collapse/die when I actually got home. I didn't realise how bad my feet actually were, but when I took my shoes off, one of them was half soaked in blood... My heels had been bleeding because I hadn't worn those shoes for no longer than 2 hours. And even when I had worn them, I spent most of that time sitting down.

I just realised how much I ramble on. I'm so hungry!! I may just have to go grab something to eat... But I don't know. I'm quite pissed off with myself right now. I had a pack of 10 fags bought for me today by mum and dad, and they're all gone... Shit. They're meant to bloody last me the whole weekend!!! Fuck. Oh well... Atleast I won't be able to smoke as much this weekend.
My brother comes home from America today. I want to go to the airport, but at the same time I know that by the time I go to sleep, I won't be up in time.

I've got some coursework to do... And I need something to eat. So I guess I'll go eat and do some coursework. Plus, I want some wine now aswell. I didn't even finish the whole bottle earlier. I guess I could go drink the rest of it now. I'M SO BLOODY HAPPY!! Thank fuck. It's about time I was!

I had my lip done on Friday. It didn't hurt. Except for the part where the woman found it hard to push the needle through. It was only a short scratch though. I was quite surprised. I was expecting more pain, especially because they didn't numb it. I had an amazing rush after it though... That sort of rush where once you've had one done, you want more and more and more. But I only got my lip done. The woman that did it was lovely. She was really cool aswell and had amazing hair and tattoo's. It was cool. My mum doesn't like it, although she isn't bothered that I've got it done, she just keeps asking me why I got it done haha. I have to wash my mouth out every time I smoke, drink or eat which is getting quite tiring. Especially when you're at a party and you have no glass so you can't wash your mouth out... I had that problem on Friday night when I went to April and Holly's Halloween party. It was quite annoying because even though I didn't eat or drink anything, I smoked a hell of a lot. However, I made sure I washed my mouth out enough when I got home. Everyone kept knocking the ring everytime they hugged me because they were drunk and they had no idea what they were doing. My lip ended up being fatter than what it was when I had it done. But it was okay. It's still sore now and it's starting to crust a bit but I've been advised not to pick any scabs or anything because it could cause an infection and I want to avoid that as much as possible. I keep forgetting I've got it pierced. Especially when I'm getting dressed. I think the most annoying things about having it done is not being able to eat, drink, brush my teeth or get dressed properly. I can't fit a spoon in my mouth/a large piece of food, I have to place my glass/cup at the side of my mouth to drink [unless I use a straw] and even when I do I end up having half of the drink down my top/chest, I have to hold down my bottom lip to brush my front teeth and I have to take even longer to plan how I'm going to put my top on. However, I am really glad I had it done. I've wanted it to be done for ages now and I've finally had it done. Yay!

I've still got another week off of school which isn't exactly the best thing in the world because I'd rather much be at school learning than sitting at home doing nothing basically. I have school work to get done before I go back but I haven't got round to doing any of it yet... I guess I can get it done this week. Everyone else will be at school so I'll have no excuse not to do it. Except for the fact that I can never seem to find the motivation to do anything other than laying in bed watching movies and slowly falling asleep.

I'm completely shitting myself over both of my Art subjects. I have a crit. for Graphics to do on the first Wednesday I go back. We have to stand up at the front of the entire class and explain our idea's, brainstorm and what not's but I don't think I can do it. I don't understand what I'm doing and I'm just taking it as it all comes along. I'm going to try and explain that I can't physically or mentally do it. I wouldn't mind too much if it was just talking about the idea to the teacher... Maybe I should just suggest that. Possibly. I'll have to think about it.
For my Fine Art lesson I have to have a complete final idea and I have to prepare myself to do that idea for the final idea. Oh god. I have one/two idea's but I'm not too keen on them. Plus, I can't seem to draw the idea's out as I see them in my mind. It's so annoying.
I have to produce a window display piece for Textiles based around Halloween. I don't particularly want to do this either, but I know I have to. Sadly enough. God.

Mrrrm... I hate it.

I haven't been to school since Monday. I've got flu. Possibly the worst time to have flu. Argh.
At first, I thought it was just a bug thing that had been going around. You know that kind of bug... The one where you're sick for about three days and after that you feel fine?... Yeah, well it's not that.
I've had it for about a week and a half now. It first started off with a slight cough, then progressed in a chesty cough, throbbing headaches, sickness, temperatures and all sorts. I thought I had a chest infection a couple of days back because I had this sharp stabbing pain in between my shoulder blades every time I breahted, but it isn't. Atleast, I don't think it is.
So yeah. I've had three days off of school and it's starting to get to me. I was going to go in today, but I couldn't bring myself to actually get out of bed. I've spent most of the day laying in bed watching Sex And The City and drinking countless mugs of hot chocolate.

I'm still confused with Damian. We got talking last night and he told me he'd slept with someone else but he doesn't feel guilty about it - (He's in a relationship). I didn't know what to say but he was saying that he was going to be single by the end of this week, no matter what. Except for the fact that he doesn't have the balls to break up with his girlfriend, apparently. He said that he didn't love his girlfriend any more and I kind of felt myself feeling like I had a chance... Yeah... Complete and utter bitch, I know.
He said he wanted to be with me but because of the distance issues and the fact that he wouldn't be able to see me much would suck alot... And yeah, it would. God. I just don't know anymore. I like him, I really do. But it's just... Yeah. I give up.
He's going to probably get into a relationship with that girl he slept with anywho, so why should I bother to keep my hopes up?... Yeah, I shouldn't keep my hopes up. I should just forget about it and just move on. It'd probably be the best thing for me.

I miss someone. But I don't know who it is that I miss. I really miss them though. I want them to run up to me and hug me. I want them to tell me everything's going to be alright and I'm going to have the time of my life. I want them to tell me that all of my hopes and dreams are going to come true and I'm going to live a happy life.

Oh, I don't know.
I GIVE UP!

Weeeeeeell!!!...
This week has been an extremely long week.
I hadn't been in for whole day since Thursday. I have double frees every single day except Thursday... Thursay is the only day I have a full day. Sadly enough.
So yeah. This week, I got really pissed off with myself. I have yet to still draw myself... I really cannot do it. One girl in my class has already filled half of her A3 sketchbook... I've only done a few pages... I've got a lot of a way to go. And I still don't have an idea.

I was told in Graphics today that I need to be more messy. But I can't. I physically can't be messy. It must be neat.. No matter what. I ended up crying and I had to end up walking out of the lesson to walk to the toilets so I could cry in peace basically. I felt so childish. It was horrible.

I'm also thinking of dropping Textiles... I'm not enjoying the lessons and I think the only reason why I chose to do the course was because my GCSE teacher said I'd be good at it... But I'm not. I'm fucking scared of the sewing machines... How am I going to get through the next 2 years of being fuck scared of a sewing machine and yet I've got to design and make clothes... Plus, we have to model the clothes on ourselves... We've got to use our own measurements of our own body... I really can't do that.

Jodie and Rob have stayed over tonight. They're both asleep at the moment and I'm just left sitting here watching Lee Evans XL... Not that I mind. I don't like sleeping in front of other people... It freaks me out.

I've drunken 225cl of wine. I've had spritzer and Lambrini... I'm not even tired. I'm wide awake. Oh, I dunno what to do with myself. Bah. Maybe I should draw myself... It was suggested to me today that I draw myself naked... To make myself feel better about my body... Ha... Yeah, like that's going to happen lol.

Wow... I'm such a loser.

Finally started 6th Form last Friday now. It already seems like I've been back for atleast four months, and yet it's only been over a week. I'm just so tired and I'm already behind with my work. In fact, I'm making myself even more behind by updating this, but it's okay I guess... I really do need a break.
I didn't end up going to sleep on Friday night because I ended up doing my work the entire night. But I'm still behind.
I've got a double free tomorrow morning, so I can use those to carry on with the work anyway. I don't get how people are able to sit around and not use their free lessons for work... On the occasional time that I have actually spent up in the common room, I'm seeing people just sitting around complaining about how bored they are and how they have nothing to do... And yet, there's me with a shitload of work that needs to be completed and I'm still not keeping up with other people. It really fucks me off because if I get behind at this early stage, then I'm fucked from then on.

I just spent the last four hours making a "necklace" for Textiles. We had to make a piece of jewelery from junk and I completely forgot. So I found a shoelace, a bunch of cardboard, traced out some tiny flowers and grabbed some tin foil and made a necklace out of it all. It looks ridiculously stupid but atleast I did the homework. But it did take forever and a lot of patience was needed for it... Especially the tin foil. Gah... The most annoying stuff in the world. >.< Plus, the cats kept coming over and sitting on the cardboard/my sketchbooks... Grrr. I hate it when they do that. Sometimes, it's cute but other times it's just plain annoying.

I really am tired. My eyelids are so heavy. But I can't sleep yet... Not yet. I have to find some more pictures of myself for my Design sketchbook. We're doing a project about self portraits and we have to get pictures of ourselves and study other artists' work and what not. I only have two pictures of myself so far... And I'm not happy with them. But they're stuck in the sketchbook now and I can't take them out unless I take out the page... Which isn't going to happen. Wow... My neck/back really fucking hurts.

So anywho... Other than school, I've been feeling so fucking lonely. Especially late at night when I want to talk to someone but I know that no one's there. Gargh.

Suppose I should go and carry on with my work. But I do really need a fag. =[
Mrrrrrrm, I need help. >.

Help me?!

Got my results... 4 C's, 2 D's and a G. Yeah... Not exactly what I wanted but it'll do for now I guess. On the day that I got them I was rather happy. Well, not overly happy, but I was kind of happy. I got home, opened them and cried. Bah. It was stupid really, because I passed. I still passed and that's all that matters. I was just extremely pissed off because I knew I could have done much better than what I had of got. The only thing that held me back was because I was in Y Band and not X. If I'd been in X band the tests would have been harder and my grades would have been lower than what they were in Y Band. But they would have been better... As in a C in Y Band is equivalent to a D in X Band. If I was in X Band and I'd got D's, I'd be happy. Well, a shitload happier than what I was with the results I did get. Yeah, it's all babble-shit and it's probably confusing. =]

I think I have about one week left until I go back to school and I honestly cannot wait any longer. I've been ready to go back as soon as the day I left of my last exam. I'm itching to get back. Just to write essays, to get back into drawing properly, to develop my drawing skill and to have the best two years of my life with laughs and giggles with Tammy. We're both doing the same subjects as each other, and we should be in the same classes as each other. Which would be great because I've either been in lessons with people I don't like, people I pretend to like or a friend but they move up/down a class or leave the school. Although, I do prefer to be on my own. I get on better when I'm on my own and I know that I don't have to cover my work up because no one's next to me to copy my work like I used to have in most lessons. But now I've got into the habbit of it, I always cover my work up now even when I'm sitting on my own. It's ridiculous having to do that. Gargh. I hate it.

Errrm... I've got a wisdom tooth coming through. It kinda hurts. I can't remember if I mentioned it in my last entry, but yeah... It hurts. >.<

I can't actually think of anything else to write at the moment. Except for the fact that I need to draw!! I need to draw actual things and not copy cartoon's. Psh. I hate doing that! It's so tedious.

Everything's going wrong.
Or, atleast, things aren't going the way I want them to go.

My Mac's fucked basically. Well, not well and truely fucked, but it's slowly getting there. My screen is constantly flickering. It'll go from dim to really bright in like 3 or 4 steps. Plus, I can no longer connect to my Internet. For some reason, my brother changed our password, and now, I can't connect. I have to connect to our neighbour's but it's extremely slow and they turn their rooter off around 11ish. God. I'm so fed up of everything I touch. It seems that whatever I put my hands on it fucks up. Or I drop it. Or stand on it. Or sit on it. Or spill things on it.
Psh.

Today was really really shit. My brother was denied a Visa for him to go over to America to study Business Studies (or something along those lines) at college/university and to be with his fiancé (not too sure on the spelling). But yeah. He was denied a Visa. He spent god knows how many hours up in London today at the American embassy (not sure on the spelling either). Apparently, from what my brother said, he was in there for 5 minutes with a woman asking him a load of questions of which she wouldn't let him answer them in full. He did say that his fiancé was just a friend, because he was going to be staying with her instead of having to pay more fees for living arrangements and what not. But they sussed him out and he was denied. You could tell he was really pissed off/upset when he walked in the door. I felt like crying. I really hated seeing him like that. I've never seen him like it and I felt upset for him because he really does love his fiancé, but yet they can't be together. God knows what's going to happen.

I went out today. Twice, to be precise. [I was a poet and I did know it!].
I can't be bothered to go in to detail about it.

Errm... I get my results in 5 days. Oh fucking joy!

It really is freezing. I'm out in my brothers Summer house, and usually it's all stuffy and stinky. When I brought my stuff in I made sure the door was kept open at all times and all the windows were open. I closed them about 9ish and it's now 2am... Bah!! Soooooo cold! Not only that, my brothers bed is incredibly uncomfortable. Plus, he only has one pillow. I tend to sleep with 4 or 5 whilst hugging another pillow. I can either sleep with no pillow but something to hug, or a pillow but nothing to hug. I've came to realize that I can no longer sleep without firstly listening to my iPod and hugging a pillow.

My sister hasn't been home since Sunday. I came down this morning and I knew, just by looking at my mum's face, that she was pissed off. She hasn't called or let any of us know that she's staying at her friends. She started hanging around with a new girl a couple of weeks back it seems now, and ever since she seems to have changed. Before she started seeing her, she wouldn't touch alcohol... Now, she goes out, like most of the twats around here and goes and gets drunk on the streets with all the other low-lifes. God! I fucking hate people who are like this. It's fucking ridiculous!!! What's the point!? If the police find you, all of the alcohol gets taken away and you're told to go home. They even escort you home most times... Where's the FUN in that?! Where's the FUN in hanging around outside someone's house, standing around, swigging some drink from a bottle that gone round an entire group of people, not knowing who's lips have been around that bottle neck and where their lips have been or what kind of germs they're carrying on their lips. People reading this are probably thinking that I'm a hypocrite... But I'm not. I can't say to her "Oh, don't drink. I don't want you to drink. It's bad for you."... That would make me a hypocrite. I don't go out and get drunk like most people around this shitty area. I stay in, yes, I have a couple of drinks, but not once in my life have I ever been drunk.
It annoys me aswell that she hasn't called home yet. I tried ringing her mobile, but, as usual it was switched off. I don't understand her. She's always moaning about how her phone is never charged... Well fucking charge it then for christ sake!!
I must admit that I was really worried about her today. I always think of the worst in situations. I just kept thinking 'What if something's happened to her? What if she never comes back?'... Turns out she's okay [or atleast, that I know of]. According to her Bebo account, she was online yesterday... So, we know she's okay. I sent her an e-mail asking her to ring our mum as soon as she reads that e-mail, but from what I remember her inbox being like last time, she won't read it. I don't understand people. They let e-mail upon e-mail pile up, and they never realize that people are trying to get a hold of them. My brother's the same. He has around 358 e-mails. All of which he hasn't read since he created his account a while back. I even volunteered to sort it all out for him. I said I'd arrange it all into folders so it wouldn't pile up again. He just told me go away and to leave his inbox alone.

I'm so annoyed right now. I need to develop my drawing skill, and yet... What am I doing?!... NOTHING! I've done absolutely nothing to develop this. And if I don't, I'm going to hate myself even more than I do already. I HAVE to develop it... I can't go back to school with a drawing skill of a 9 year old for christ sake. Actually, even a nine year old can draw better than me!!!

I need to sort myself out.

Results day in 22 days. Better prepare myself for the worst.

I haven't really liked today. I've spent literally the entire day in my room watching movies. I've only been out of my room to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and to smoke. Oh yeah. I'm meant to be giving up both smoking and drinking... Mrrm. I've only had two cigarettes today, which isn't too bad. But I am feeling like I've let myself down... Alot. I promised to myself that I'd give up, but well, god knows.

I stayed in my room last night aswell. I just watched even more movies, but I ended up watching The Notebook about 4 or 5 times, over and over again. It's annoying when I watch movies at night though. I have to be quiet because my room is next to my mum and dad's, and the walls are MDF boards, I think... So you can hear everything/anything. It was quite hard to listen to what they were saying, and it was filmed in the cinema, so the camera kept jogging and people kept walking past the camera and stuff. Plus, there were no subtitles... Which I hate. If I watch a movie, I have to have the subtitles on... Even if I'm not going to read them, they've still got to be on, just incase I'd rather read than listen and what not.

I need to get myself an external HD for my Mac. I've ran out of memory. =[ I was so upset about it... And it's actually quite ridiculous how upsetting it could be... It's only a computer! Now, I'm laughing at myself. Great.

I have no idea what to do with myself. Everyone's pissing me off and I just want to be in the house on my own. For fuck sake. I hate this feeling!

I have no idea what's running through my head right now, but whatever it is, I really do not like it being there! I'm so tired. But I don't want to go to bed. I don't know what I want really.

I'm extremely nervous about my GCSE results. Really really nervous. So nervous that I've made myself sick from where I was thinking about it so much. Oh crap, I really hate this long wait.

I might go to bed. I honestly do not know what to do. I have a pile of DVD's, but I don't feel like watching them on my own. Wish I had a boyfriend really. Shame I haven't had one in god knows how many years.

I've had so much free time on my hands these past few weeks that I have no idea what to do with it all. I've gotten myself in to a routine of going to bed about 4 or 5 in the morning/staying up all night/day, then getting out of bed, going on my Mac, watching a load of telly, eating whatever I can get my hands on and just lounging around the house really. I'm so fed up of not being at school that I cannot wait to get back.

I found all my stuff underneath my bed the other day. I was wondering why there were 2 sacks of stuff and then I remembered I put everything into big sacks and said that if my sister did anything else to annoy me, that I'd move out and find somewhere else to live. She did annoy me more, but obviously, A) I have no where to go and B) I didn't have the courage to pick up and leave. It's still in the sacks, and I put it all in there a few months back now. I'm thinking of un-packing it all, but I have no wear to keep it. I used to keep it in my wardrobe with my clothes, but I broke most of draws from where they were so heavy with the (very few) clothes and all the junk I had in there. It's amazing to realise how much crap you really do have. Well, it's not crap to me, I love all of it. I haven't long went through it and I found my Daler Rowney notebook which I'd thought I'd either chucked out or put it down somewhere and forgotten where it was. But I've got it! I love this notebook. Just pages and pages of pure white, clean, acid free cartridge paper. I feel so stupid about getting excited over a notebook haha. I did used to keep it as a journal when I first got it, but I've got so many that I forgot I used it for that and then I never did carry on writing in it, so I ripped out the first couple of pages that had writing on it. It was all a load of crap anyway... And come to think of it, embarrassing.

I think I'll be using it for drawings and stuff. It's easier to carry around than an A4 sketchbook, so I might as well. I FOUND MY BEANIE HAT!! Yay!! It used to be glued to my head... I wouldn't take it off hardly ever and I loved it so much. I think I'll start wearing it again some time soon. Maybe tomorrow if I get dressed. Which I doubt I will seeing as I'm living in my only pair of jeans I have now and various tops that hide my body. I've only ever had 3 pairs of jeans, come to think of it. But I had to get rid of them because they had holes in the crotches and on the legs... And the holes were so big that I might as well have not worn the jeans because it showed off so much. Ah well. But the ones I have left now have a small[ish] hole in the crotch. I hate having holes.

I was really upset today.
It's stupid, but my I've filled up my hard drive on my Mac... And unless I delete things, I won't be able to save/download anything from now on. Or add any programs. =[
I was seeing what was the main problem... I.e. what was taking up most of the space, and I realised it was my music... It takes up 32.95GB of space on my HD. Which is alot. According to my iTunes list I have 3493 songs. My brother said I'd have to delete atleast three quarters of this. I CAN'T DO THAT!! It's my music! I need it. And then we went into the whole conversation about "No one needs that amount of music. You can't honestly have listened to every single song you have.". Truth is, I have. And I need that amount of music. I listen to it every day. I wouldn't feel complete if I didn't have all the music I do have. He also suggested to stop using Limewire... So I compramised with that and deleted Limewire off of the Mac. Which is sad... Because Limewire was my companion really lol. But oh well. Still, I need to start deleting more and more stuff. Unless I get myself an external HD... But the cheapest one I've found is £50. And I know my mum and dad won't be paying for that, and I don't have a job, so I don't get any money, and so then I have no way of paying for it. So I'm fucked. I can either delete my music, or wait a rather long time until money comes my way.

But I can't wait really. I'm going to be using the Mac for my Art Graphic lessons. I'm going to be doing animations and stuff and I'll need to bring it home with me. Right now, I don't think I can even save a song... So yeah. =[

I don't like to delete things. I hate doing it. But I have deleted a few programs of which I don't think I'll ever need/don't use, but it still hasn't helped.

I really need a job. =[
I'm gonna look around for an even cheaper HD... Hopefully, I can find another one at a reasonable price. It's just tricky to find because it's a Mac, and I'm not a Mac-fanatic, so I don't know all the places and stuff. I only know of Apple and they are extremely expensive, but most deffinately worth your money.
I'm gonna look around for a job too. I don't care what it is... As long as it doesn't involve waitressing, answering phones, booking appointments or interacting with customers.
I wouldn't mind a job washing up dishes or anything. I actually enjoy doing that. Well, time to look.

I'm having one of those days again.
One of those days when the morning is okay... But then you realise it actually really wasn't.
And then you feel like complete and utter shit in the afternoon. Don't you just love emotions!?

I can't even be bothered to update now.
In fact, the matter is, I can be bothered... I've just forgotten everything I was going to write down.

Joy.